What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
