Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
