My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize