proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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