Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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