I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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