i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
