Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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