when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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