you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
