It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
