I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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