Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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