My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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