i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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