last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize