I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And then he peed in my hair
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