So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
