theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
