there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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