my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
