Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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