So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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