see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
