Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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