Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
