My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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