Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
