Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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