she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
