Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
