When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
