I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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