Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She even gives head with a lisp.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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