I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i would punch a child for taco bell
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
