Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
