I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
