Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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