I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
