two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
