that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
