The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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