Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
