why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
