He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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