We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
