Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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