Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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