Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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