I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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