I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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