i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize