In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize