EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
