At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
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