You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
foreskin is a definite game changer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
