There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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