I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
